I’m going to get really real on this one folks. No offense…
Usually when we give advise to someone else it’s something we ourselves need to hear. So just to be clear and honest- back to the idea that I’m no expert – any snippet of advice I have or will write on this blog is something I’m telling myself.
One of which is the “practice of writing” – getting caught up on too much thought about perfect wording as I sit here this morning in Sedona sipping coffee.
Just wake up and do it. (on so many levels)
The Boiling Point
I’ve recently spent large portions of time cooling a person who’d heated himself up to boiling. And this is not the first time I’ve done that. Sometimes we all lose our cool, but as I was talking, advising, listening, and intermittently getting fed up with the conversation and taming myself, I realized I too needed to take the advise I was giving. And this is it.
Sometimes we may find that when it comes to the world and all of the 7 billion or so human habitants of this planet – we are our own worst enemy. Since we were babies we came in this world and started getting programs – physical coordination, language, dexterity, how to eat & what happens after, social acceptabilities, getting used to emotions all the way up to the mind training. We get a series of inputs as kids, and we listen to everything our parents say – to us and to others – then to school – and all this information is poured in. Some intentionally. But most, probably by no one really on purpose. What all of that does is create programs, beliefs, constructs, ideas about the world.
Eventually we may end up with the general theorem about this reality “it’s a beautiful world full of possibilities,” or for many, “everyone is out to get me and I’m a victim of circumstance.”
As I sat there with this dear soul, teetering between hope and despair, I realized that in moments of despair it is all too easy to get into a “me vs. the world” scenario. This person has experienced a lot of trauma, for a long time, and has got caught in the cycle of being used to seeing it – actually it almost seems he looks for it. He’s the archetype warrior- always protecting, always fighting for the good. Everything is a battle. But the thing about battles is that they hurt someone. Why must everything be a battle? Maybe that really is his path and he is supposed to protect the weak – and me sitting over here on a cushion dreaming up a better world is mine.
This is that cushion world speaking to the battle ground.
Self-Love & Self-Sabotage
Looking for pain, focussing on it, is an act of self-sabotage. Some people view every new situation – every player that comes into the game as having some kind of ulterior, evil motive. Until that person proves otherwise – this seems to often be the default. And of course they have their painful reasons.
This is a dangerous subject because I don’t want to blame victims. If something awful has happened to you in your life, I’m very sorry. Eventually, please, let it go. It’s the process of repeating it in our minds, over and over again, that is the real kicker. The past is the past and can’t be changed – on a perception level it only exists anymore in memory. It can’t physically hurt us anymore, even though it may continue to have effects in reality. Usually, where it does continue to really hurt is in the realm of consciousness and emotions. So, clearly that is the only space we have now to work with it. Right now is the malleable moment. We have to do the healing, the restructuring, and go back to the drawing board from here, now.
We can only change right now. I can continue to repeat in my mind what has happened, over and over again, and I can let the dark win. I can also put something else there, in my thoughts, and begin the practice of making my words and actions match what’s going on in those thoughts. That could be a long path. No one is to be blamed for walking it.
“No One’s Wrong.”
I don’t know for sure, but a part of it comes down to self-worth – knowing without a doubt that you deserve goodness. And a real, innate belief in one’s ability to succeed in this life. Words are one of the main doors with which we create in this life. For example, he started talking about everything he wanted in the past tense, as if it was already gone – and so he was letting it go all in that very moment. Giving up. Having studied linguistics I pick up on subtleties. You can tell so much about a person and their views of the world just by hearing what they say. You can tell if they are generally optimistic or pessimistic – you can tell how they digest their experiences – their general beliefs about the world come out in their spoken responses to life. You can tell if they think more about others, or more about themselves. Motives, motions, character – much of this can be determined by the manner of a person’s speech.
Body Language – The straightness or slump of their posture, hand gestures, tone of voice, eye contact.
My question is – how do we help someone who’s world has gone dark? I guess the only answer is love and compassion. But there’s the other question of boundaries and self-preservation. These are questions I’m sure span further than myself. It also has thing or two to do with self-love.
Out of the Loop
What I have noticed is a few dear souls who sometimes get caught in a loop, and often spend the majority of time talking about how terrible it is in that loop. I’m pretty sure I’ve done it too. I might be doing it right now.
In my times of silence I learned that a lot of energy can be wasted in speech, which is why there is a Buddhist vow to have meaningful speech. Words are creators. And what they create often is a reiteration of the world you’ve already seen.
People can sit around all day talking about what they want – what they want to do, how they want to feel. But the very act of wanting itself creates a separation from already being and having (Letting Go). It’s ok to want things and it’s healthy. It’s attachment to the outcome though, that is one of the root causes of suffering. Act on desires but don’t be attached to the end result. (Hare Krishna!) Just be happy with what good that does come, and think more about the positives than the negatives.
Everything is coming through the filter of our minds- through the beliefs, paradigms, constructs & patterns we’ve come to accept as reality. If you don’t like your reality, look at your beliefs, look at what’s been running autopilot in your thoughts. What it is you really believe about yourself and the world? Whether you love or dislike yourself, the world will reflect and treat you in turn. But which came first? It seems highly likely that…his world reflects his state of mind, his world treating him unfairly causes him to believe the world is unfair, and that’s where this particular loop begins.
I’ve been schooled by many great mentors, and all of this is a compilation of wisdom that’s been shared with me. One day as one of these great mentors and I were busy working on some house task, talking about things seemingly unrelated, she stopped, looked up, stared me deep in the eyes, deepened her voice and firmly spoke,
“At some point, SiSi, everybody’s got to stop blaming their parents and move on.”
The moment etched itself right there forever for me. And it’s true on so many levels. At some point, every one of us has to stop the negative loop and step up.
Stop talking about it and just do it.
Happy Healing <3